Divorce Advice – How to tell your spouse you want a Divorce

Going through a divorce can be one of the most difficult emotional struggles you will ever go through, so it’s important that you start off in the best way possible. Although there is no easy way to ask your spouse for a divorce, there are a few guidelines that you can stick to if you want it to go as smoothly as possible.

Here at Hylton-Potts, we’ve assisted countless couples in their divorce proceedings, and we know that it is often that first discussion with your spouse that can determine the rest of the conversations you have, and there will be many. The manner in which you talk to them, the way you handle their responses and the things you say can all set the tone for the rest of the divorce.

We understand that this is a lot to take in at a time when you may not be feeling emotionally strong enough to deal with it, and you may not know where to begin or the things you should say. With this in mind, we’ve put together a brief guide that should help you structure everything that you’re going to say, as well as highlight some of the most important considerations in the divorce process that you may not have thought about until now.

Before the discussion

It’s important that you go over everything in a calm way before you have the discussion, and ask yourself if this is really the right path for you. You will most likely have been unhappy in your marriage for a few years before considering divorce, but it is only natural that your spouse will try to convince you that a divorce isn’t necessary.

They may even suggest that you try other things first such as marriage counselling, and you must have it firmly in your mind whether or not you would be willing to try this first. Then, think about exactly what you’re going to say and where. Your spouse will most likely want to talk for a while after you start the conversation, so it’s best to pick a time when you know you will both be free to talk for a while afterwards.

It’s important to take their current situation into account, such as a stressful project you know they are completing at work, and don’t forget to make sure that the children are out of the house to avoid any unpleasant scenes. It’s also important that you try to plan for their reaction if you can; are they likely to lash out? Would you feel safer in a public place instead?

Once you’ve thought about the conversation itself, there will be several financial and legal elements you’ll have to take into consideration. First of all, is your spouse likely to lash out in terms of drawing money out of your accounts? It may be worth moving money across to a separate account before the discussion so that you have some protection.

You must also think about what assets you have; how much do you have in savings? What commitments such as insurance and mortgage payments are in your spouse’s name? How is your children’s school or childcare paid for? Who pays for the utility bills or is it a joint account? Do not start cancelling things before the discussion, just be completely aware of every financial commitment you have together.

You must also be aware of the law in terms of how assets are shared. The law is completely gender-neutral, so whether the wife or husband is the wealthier party, they have to pay a significant sum to the financially weaker party so that their living arrangements are cared for. It is always best to seek the help of a solicitor before hand so that you know where you stand upon entering divorce proceedings.

Talking to your spouse

After all of the considerations, it’s time to talk to your spouse. Your first statement should simply be that the marriage is not working and you don’t wish to continue it any longer. Tell them that you have been struggling with it for a long time, that it is getting more difficult, and although you know it will be a difficult and painful process for everyone to deal with, ultimately it will make everyone happier.

It is more than likely that your spouse will have sensed your unhappiness, and even have been unhappy themselves, but it may still come as a shock and their initial reaction will be either to ask you to stay or to become angry. If they ask you to stay, it is important that you reiterate that you have come to the decision through much thought. It is vital that you do not start blaming them for anything or bringing up past rows.

It is completely natural for your spouse to become angry and upset, even accusing you of terrible things, but countering the argument with further blame will only make things worse. You may be tempted to talk about their behaviour towards you, their past wrong-doing which justifies your decision to divorce, but instead, you must remain calm and listen to what they have to say.

You will never be able to agree on what went wrong, you must simple agree on the fact that you both contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, and say that you will give them time to come to terms with everything. They will be feeling shocked and vulnerable at this point, so be sure to end the first discussion with them by reinforcing the fact that you will be fair and reasonable throughout proceedings. Leave them with the thought that you want to work towards a better future for both of you, especially if there are children involved.

Seeking legal advice

Getting a divorce is never easy, but the way in which you start off can make the entire process much easier to deal with. This includes the legal advice you seek too. It’s vital that you have the best information and advice possible, and Hylton-Potts have helped hundreds of couples through this emotionally distressing time.

If you’re considering a divorce and would like some advice, or if you’ve had the first discussion already and you’d like to move forward, get in touch with our expert lawyers today. You can call us on 020 7381 8111, or send us an email at [email protected].

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